Thursday, February 21, 2008

Motherhood and I

For the years that I was a working mom, I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom (SAHM); had always been envious to all the SAHMs for being able to be there for the children; had always hoped that I'd be the best mother in the world. *tringgg** wish is granted, now I am a fulltime mom. GREAT!

Now I can really watch them grow. HOW FUN! But wait, you don't just WATCH them alright, you have to DEAL with them: the whinings, the squabbling, the bickerings, the tantrums etc etc etc. I honestly didn't expect it to be this hard but here I am trying my very best to be the supermom there is. 

Believe me.. the pressure is incomparable - physically and spiritually, well.. at least to me. If I can remember, during my working time.. they did not behave this bad..... yes, a little fights, a little arguments here and there but it's different when you spend 25 hours with them. HORRIBLE!

A year has gone by and I am less motherly than I had been before. I lost my cool, I've become a HOT mommy instead. Not that 'HOT' la weii. It was fun the first three months, I must admit. But now I get irritated easily, 

annoyed instantly, angry all the times. Blood always go upstairs you know. I've turned a monsther than a mother. The dream of being a thoughtful, patient, warm mommy is sooo unattainable. How did the other mothers do it? 

How did they manage the children so well, turn every whining, every tantrum into something fun when I can't even stand any of them? Now I'm feeling that I'm not cut for this job, much as I desperately tried to be the best.

For what it's worth, the toothless grin and the smiliest smile from a 4-month old boy, also occasional smooches you get from a 5-year old have the magical effect on me though. They seem to take away all the frustration and dissappointment.

And here I am... the still standing reluctant SAHM.

Till the next whinging (quite a list, fyi) hehe